The other day at work, I found a perfectly intact gerbera daisy on the floor, so I wore it in my hair for the remainder of my shift. Then I dried it and pressed it in my thoughts journal. The other pages are filled with scribbles and rough handwriting, but this page is clean and simple and it describes how I felt on that day
They say that grades matter the most - that you have the world at your feet when you achieve straight As and that single perfect score. I’ve never believed that - no one’s worth is ever determined by a single letter alone.Then they say that your personality matters too. The activities you take up. The passions you pursue. Maybe. They lie, really. Your worth is more than all those combined, but in the end it doesn’t matter.
I have seen friends who entered their dream schools, but cannot afford to attend. Friends who have to settle for less because they have no way of paying half a million for four years and a degree that will be equivalent to toilet paper by the time they enter the workforce - who claim that they will be fine, that they will be happy there somehow, but they are not. Not truly. Others, who don’t even bother trying, and give up their passion because we don’t have it locally and they don’t have the money to study it overseas. And yet others, who have everything they say is important but were unsuccessful in getting the course they dream of here, and lacked the funds they needed to study it overseas. And those who do not, but study it anyway because they could afford to pursue it in another country. At a university that is mid-tier or below that ever, perhaps, and one that anyone here with a minimum grade could possibly get into with a 50% admission rate, but it doesn’t matter because it is the degree that does in the end and who cares about where you got it from?
The world isn’t fair. I know that. But sometimes I wish it weren’t that so.
You’re gonna be fine. You’re gonna spend a long time thinking that you won’t be, and then one morning you’ll wake up and you will be. And then, you know, for a while you’ll miss the fact that you’re not, because it almost seems scarier when you are, because at least when you’re not you’ve got something to cling to; and then, when you’ve got over that — then you’re gonna be fine!
- Tim Bisley (Simon Pegg), Spaced 2x06,’Dissolution’
I’ve been in a muddle this month (there have been absolutely lovely days. There have. Yet), and my heart is hurting from dreams lost, a realization that I’ll never see another friend again, and a mind-numbing fear that I just changed my destiny for the worse. And a sinking feeling that I’ll never be good enough.
It slaughters my fate line in half. It rips up the promise my grandmother made - that I’d have everything I’ve ever dreamt of. I know what I dream of. Dreamt of, as a child. That one dream I can never get beyond university, that one dream that was built up by more than a decade of books and stores and daydreams, and that one dreamI’ll never experience beyond my mind. My heart hurts. And it cries for what never was mine in the first place.