You’re gonna be fine. You’re gonna spend a long time thinking that you won’t be, and then one morning you’ll wake up and you will be. And then, you know, for a while you’ll miss the fact that you’re not, because it almost seems scarier when you are, because at least when you’re not you’ve got something to cling to; and then, when you’ve got over that — then you’re gonna be fine!
- Tim Bisley (Simon Pegg), Spaced 2x06,’Dissolution’
I’ve been in a muddle this month (there have been absolutely lovely days. There have. Yet), and my heart is hurting from dreams lost, a realization that I’ll never see another friend again, and a mind-numbing fear that I just changed my destiny for the worse. And a sinking feeling that I’ll never be good enough.
It slaughters my fate line in half. It rips up the promise my grandmother made - that I’d have everything I’ve ever dreamt of. I know what I dream of. Dreamt of, as a child. That one dream I can never get beyond university, that one dream that was built up by more than a decade of books and stores and daydreams, and that one dreamI’ll never experience beyond my mind. My heart hurts. And it cries for what never was mine in the first place.
Five guys, a pretty cool name, deep voices and Les Mis? (repeat: and Les Mis? Stars when Look Down / Confrontation would have been cooler, but still Les Mis?) MY
DAY YEAR IS MADE.
Another person chooses an Ivy. Is it strange that I feel so upset to see people leave? People I never truly knew and never truly spoke a word to? For opportunities lost, maybe. For that fleeting brush in time. If only I’d worked harder and gotten better grades from the start. Or if I applied EA. Or if they’d stayed a day more. If. And sometimes I wonder - they’re all brilliant, bright individuals that are set for life - who are going to places others can only dream of, and become people that the world can only envy. And where will I be in ten years?